Holy shit, what time is it, man? St. Paddy’s was awesome, but I’ve gotta get to work. And I’m still wasted! FUCK! Quick, get me some of those enzyme nanocomplex pills developed by UCLA researchers that have been shown to lower blood alcohol content and reduce liver damage. What? It’s only ever been tested on mice and isn’t yet available for human use? SHIT! Well, at least Mickey D’s should help with the hangover. Stop laughing! The cysteine in the egg of my “McMuffin” breaks down acetaldehyde, the toxic byproduct of alcohol metabolism that can cause headaches and vomiting, and the fructose in the OJ will help replenish the sugars I pissed out, mitigating fatigue and loss of coordination. And if I can score some fries, I’ll get back some sodium and potassium, electrolytes needed for nerve and muscle function.
I feel like hell, but at least I can rest assured that alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells. In fact, there may be surprising health benefits from alcohol consumption! Small amounts of ethanol itself extended the lives of nematodes from 15 days to 40 days in a recent UCLA study. Yeah, I guess it must be an awesome party school. Alcohol can also reduce your risk of developing heart disease, by up to 25%! And all the soluble fiber in that Guinness we drank will help lower our LDL cholesterol. The hops can slow the release of bone calcium, limiting kidney stones.
Maybe we should switch to wine, though. The resveratrol from the grapes may further extend lifespan. There are also hundreds of reports that it may protect against cancer, dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. Even hearing loss! And wine’s purported ability to stave off colon cancer is a nice boost after the fast food, amirite?!
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
Shit, we should start drinking more. No? Whaddya mean, the hazards outweigh the benefits if you have more than two drinks per day? And that while alcohol doesn’t kill brain cells, binge drinking may decrease the production of new neurons in the hippocampus by up to 40%? Wait, almost no human, clinical trials of resveratrol have been conducted? If the implications of the animal studies hold for people, we’d have to drink upwards of a thousand bottles of wine a day to receive those benefits? You’re a fucking buzzkill, ya know that? I’m drinking alone next weekend.
I know that bananas would be better than the french fries! JESUS!